Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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