She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
