I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
