I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
