Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
