she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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