oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
