There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
