i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
