At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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