Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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