We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
