He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
