I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
