hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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