you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
