i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
