The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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