He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
