I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize