Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
