I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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