I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
