The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize