Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
