Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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