my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
