I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
