I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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