Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
