Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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