I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
