You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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