My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize