How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
