my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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