Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
