On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
