If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
