Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize