god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize