Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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