i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
