i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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