My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i will never coherently bang her
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
