I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
