I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
