you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i out mim tonsoeep
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