WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
