i may or may not be watching the land before time
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
not ubering you a puppy
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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