the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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