What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
