Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
