i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
