I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
