I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize