Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
