Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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